MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake
by Psycho Tangerine
Summary: What happens when the most beautiful, magical, and intelligent lady falls into Middle Earth? My take on Mary Sues. Not to be taken seriously.


Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, either book or movie version.

Hi, this is my first LOTR story. It is not a serious story. It is in response to my sister (an avid fan), who tells me that a lot of LOTR fanfics have a girl falling into Middle Earth to join the nine walkers. So I am writing this for her.

**MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake**

**By**

**Eileen (Psycho Tangerine)**

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake sat staring at her wide screen television. She was watching her most favorite set of movies, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, for the sixth time just that day. On her lap were the books. Every so often she would look through a book to reread about her most favorite and the most handsome character ever. Each time he came on the screen, she would lean forward and kiss the image. "If only I could meet him for real." She said with a delicate sigh.

So what if she had missed over fifty school days to watch her sweetie? So what if her mom kept taking her to different psychiatrists? MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake knew that the only thing that mattered was memorizing every word and movement he made.

"There's my darling!" squealed MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake she leaned forward again. It just so happened there was a lightning storm outside. As she put her lips to the dusty screen she felt a humungous ZAP.

"Aaaaaaah!" she screamed as she fell and fell and fell and fell. Whomp! She landed in some soft grass.

It was evening. To her left came several voices. She looked at the source of the voices and squealed in delight. It was them! MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake looked down at herself and squealed again in delight. Now he would truly love her.

They were concluding their meeting in Rivendell. The nine walkers had been chosen. Their company included two humans, one wizard, one elf, one dwarf, and four anxious hobbits. "This completes your company," said Elrond as he looked over his shoulder seemingly in fear of something. The others seemed a bit nervous as well.

"Then let us be off, and quickly," hissed Gandalf as he and the others began to hurry away. They had almost reached the edge of the glen when they heard it, the one thing they feared more than Sauron himself.

"Wait for me!" called MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake. "I am coming with you!"

"Not another one," groaned Legolas in exasperation.

"And we almost got away this time," grumbled Boromir.

As it turned out, Middle Earth was under a bizarre curse; perhaps from a witch with a sick and twisted sense of humor. Every single time the nine walkers began their journey, a mysterious girl with impossible features and skills would end up with them. They always ended up under her love spell and in absolute awe of all her skills, power, beauty and whatever else made her into the most desirable lady ever. Because of this unnatural interference, time kept reverting itself and would continue to do so until the issue was resolved.

As the curse grabbed hold yet again, they all turned as one. "Yes you must come with us," said Gandalf. Merry and Pippin ran up to grab MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake's hands to lead her to the group. They all gasped in awe at the sight of her. She was wearing the most beautiful and shiniest golden, crystal, and silvery gown ever. On her feet were the softest, daintiest, and glitteriest shoes ever.

They headed out. And even in her impractical outfit, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake was able to run up and down the paths, climbing trees to warn the others of approaching enemies, wrestling and scaring off some large wolves that tried to attack, and singing more sweetly than a nightingale to keep their minds at ease.

"That enchanting voice," sighed Legolas. "I think I am in love with you, oh fair maiden."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

It was snowing extremely hard when they got to the mountain pass, Caradhras. But the beauty and magnificence of MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake's bright sapphire and emerald eyes burned a path through the snow. At the same time she carried all the others on her shoulders.

"Those gorgeous eyes," sighed Aragorn. "I think I am in love with you, oh woman who outshines even Arwen."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

Everyone followed her as she skipped to the entrance of the Mines of Moria.

As they approached the entrance to the mines, Gandalf saw the inscription, 'speak friend and enter." As he raised his arms to use all the spoken entry spells that he knew, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake simply marched up to the cave entrance and used her super strong kicking powers to bash a hole into the sealed opening.

"That amazing strength," sighed Gimli. "I think I am in love with you, oh you brave and powerful woman."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle. But then she stopped as she sensed something in the lake behind them. "Watch out!" she cried to Frodo as tentacles reached out to grab him. She made a gigantic leap, turning ten somersaults in the air before landing and slashing all the tentacles off the monster with her super sparkly sword.

"Those graceful flips," sighed Boromir. "I think I am in love with you, oh Lady who is more desirable than Frodo's ring."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

In the mines, everyone felt shock and horror as they all learned of the massacre of the Dwarves that had lived there. But that didn't last long. For MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake used her sparkly magic powers to make pretty pictures all along the walls to cheer them up and gave inspirational speeches to them all so that their bravery increased a hundred fold.

"That kind, sweet lady," sighed Merry. "I think I am in love with you, oh you sparkly, shiny lady."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

When they had finally reached the cavern they were going to spend the night in, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake kept her ears and eyes open for any trouble. So, when a certain young hobbit went to drop a pebble down the well, she was able to quickly catch it with her hand and keep Pippin from getting a scolding from Gandalf. She then gave the obviously bored hobbit a coloring book and crayons she had pulled from her super magic sack.

"This amazing color picture thingy," sighed Pippin. "I think I am in love with you, oh woman who can make strange things appear."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

When the Orcs began to pound on the doors, the company tried to hold them shut in hopes of escaping. MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake simply slipped out one of the doors. "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" cried all the companions as they heard the sounds of slaughter. They all fell down in tears at the thought of losing her, not one of them caring about their mission anymore. After all, what did it matter if Sauron won if that most beautiful, wonderful, and gracious being could not be with them?

"Sorry, I took so long!" announced MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake as she walked back into the room. "Most of those ugly things went down fast, but I had to stab that Orc chieftain three times."

As she wiped the blood dripping off her sparkly sword, her shiny arrows, and her silvery daggers, the others took a cautious peek out of the room. Orc corpses lay all over the caverns. Then they all looked back at her and sighed dreamily as they resumed their infatuation with her.

Then, they decided to cross a long stone bridge for some unknown reason. MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake grabbed them each one at a time and leapt over the gigantic chasm to the other side of the bridge. As she went to get Gandalf, who had insisted on being last, she heard screams and saw the Balrog that had grabbed the ancient wizard and begun dragging him down as he shouted, "Fly, you fools!"

"Oh no you don't!" cried MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake. Using the white gossamer wings that suddenly opened up on her back, she dove down, gave the Balrog a ferocious kick, and grabbed Gandalf.

"That amazing bravery and power," sighed Gandalf, who would always remain grey. "I think I am in love with you, oh you cute young thing who could massage my old and aching bones."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

When they reached Lothlorien, they were greeted by Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. Of course, since Gandalf hadn't fallen with the Balrog, there was no choir of elves singing his praises. Instead they sang the praises of MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake. For every elf there had instantly fallen in love with her beauty, grace, and intelligence.

Galadriel herself knelt before the girl, and offered her all the gifts she had previously set aside for the walkers as well as her own ring. "I will never even be one tenth as lovely as you. I do not deserve to be the ruler of these elves. Please take my throne and let me sit at your feet.

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

It was after they had left Lothlorien that Borimir finally gave into temptation and tried to get the ring from Frodo. Unfortunately, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake had been too busy digging a flushable latrine for them all to stop Frodo from putting on the ring.

When all hell broke loose, she jumped in front of Borimir, taking the arrows herself. As Borimir, Merry, and Pippin began to grieve over the loss of the bravest and most selfless person they had ever met, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake's magic healing powers kicked in. She yanked out all the arrows and her wounds closed instantly. Then she jumped up and ran from the now giddily happy trio.

In the middle of the lake, Frodo had just pulled Sam into the little boat. They both settled themselves in for a long row to Murder. But suddenly they felt their boat going faster than the wind. For MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake was behind the boat, pushing it ahead with all of her might while kicking her legs behind her.

"So it must be one of us whom you are meant to fall in love with," said Sam as they landed on shore. "Must be me. I always knew my amazing cooking skills would come in handy."

"Are you daft?" asked Frodo. "We have more important things to worry about. Besides, you have Rosie. Now, who could ever resist the powerful angst I am constantly facing here?"

As they walked, Sam and Frodo continued to argue over who MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake loved best. Meanwhile she used her shimmering ruby red hair with golden highlights to magically point out the best way to Mordor.

When Frodo and Sam began to tire, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake cooked them the most delicious meal they had ever had using just rock moss, fish, and grass.

"That absolutely talented lady," sighed Sam. "I think I am in love with you, oh you super talented chef whom I will never be as good as."

MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake shook her head and pranced away with a giggle.

That night, as they all slept, a creature came creeping up to them. As the ugly, slimy, grayish being snuck up on the cliff above them, he muttered to himself about 'thieves,' and his 'precious.' Then he jumped, aiming to take them by surprise and grab his 'precious.'

But before he could even reach the ground, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake was able to use her magical powers and fly into the air, intercepting the foul creature.

"That super magical lady," sighed Frodo, who was awakened by the commotion. "I think I am in love with you, oh you extremely fantastic beauty who commands such wonderful magic."

But this time, MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake did not shake her head and prance away with a giggle.

"Darling!" she cried as she began to kiss Gollum over and over again.

Frodo and Sam began to make gagging sounds.

"Precious?" asked Gollum as he struggled out of MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake's arms to reach the ring that Frodo carried.

"Really?" asked MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake. "We'll just see about that." With that, she grabbed the ring from a shocked and still gagging Frodo; ran all the way to Mount Doom using her super speed; dropped the ring into the fire; then ran all the way back to the group.

"No more precious?" asked Gollum. "I'm free!" He felt an extremely heavy weight lift off him. Then he jumped back into MagnoliaCinderellaCupcake's arms. "Take me away, you most heroic lady whose loveliness will be the light of my life and who will now and forever be my new precious."

With that, they fell to the ground, making out. Frodo and Sam ran and hid as they were now completely nauseated…relieved to no longer have the burden of the ring…but still nauseated.

Nine months later, a litter of little gollums arrived.

The end.

AN: Please feel free to review, I don't mind constructive criticism. However, I already know this story is stupid and it is meant for comedic purposes only.


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